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You’ve got to have goals

If only adults put as much effort into their daily wardrobe as they do during Halloween. Even Peckham turned into a Spielbergian suburban nightmare of kidults knobbing about with spiderwebs in a can. Social feeds the world over are rammed with faces covered in flour and red food colouring. Yep, we get it, you really like Star Wars/Ghostbusters/Star Trek/Marvel etc… As long as you understand you don’t actually look like a superhero – just a tired middle-manager grimacing inside a cardboard box painted to look like some kind of Pixar fish.

I don’t Halloween. But gun to head time. If I absolutely had to dress, up I’d probably wear one of these. I’d go as a middle-class woman who shops at Toast.

I tried one of these on the other day at Toast in Oxford. Yes, I know. Toast is now women’s only. Yes, these are women’s robes. But to be fair, it fitted really well. They’re totally oversized, very comfortable and, unless it has implausibly evaded your attention, they’ve got off-the-charts pattern power.

They are probably a step too far. So enamoured by the artisanal, handy-crafty approach of brands like Kapital, Story MFG and Tender that I’ve started seeking equivalence even on the high-street. That said they are created from recycled saris by an Indian cooperative, so the conscious box is ticked. Halloween aside, I can see myself in my later years in one of these. Doddering around a draughty country pile, propped up by opium, painting bad landscapes and drinking too much rum. You’ve got to have goals.

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