Blog - Page 5 of 268

September 3, 2022

Another nincompoop who did nothing except take pictures of himself

I know I can be prone to a mildly nihilistic outlook. But everywhere I turn these days, the spectre of tragedy is prodding me with his scythe.

One minute the world is going to burn, the next drown. Capitalism, it is broadly agreed, will be the death of us, which is apparently inconvenient as there are loads more NFTs to mint. A bag of crisps costs the same as a car. My corner shop is now offering an instalment plan on a loaf of Warburtons Seeded Batch. There are over 100,000 vacancies at the NHS. We’ve got Liz Truss and Ukraine and Pakistan and on top of it all NASA’s forgotten how to launch a rocket.

Even those at the top are hurting. Spare a thought for the gas and electric barons, you could get a nasty paper cut sorting through all those bin bags of cash.

I’m yet to figure out what role an individual motivated entirely by menswear should play in this apocalypse? When I’m being shot at by guerillas and my arm is on fire, does it matter if my Undercover tee is a couple of seasons old? Will Mr Porter‘s swimwear selection be more or less popular when half of London is underwater?

August 21, 2022

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Bognor Egregious

It’s been a minute. Sorry about that, I completely forgot who I am and what I’m meant to be.

The pitiless inferno that’s been roasting us all alive has incinerated my personal style. I no longer know what to wear, when or even how. I leave the shower, pull on a pair of pants (Palace CK1) start sweating again and immediately want to flay my skin off with a cheese slice. There should be a law against this kind of heat. I’ve been to parties in shorts (formally a complete no-no) I’ve left the house without a jacket (unheard of) and (don’t hate me) I wore a pair of sandals without socks. I was on a beach, but even so.

July 24, 2022

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New job, same temptations

In a previous missive I revealed I’d been watching too many films. Although that’s not the half of it. I deliberately didn’t mention all the TV I’ve also been watching, for fear of appearing even more of a social inadequate than I doubtless am. But the truth is, both my girl and I constantly OD on TV.

This came to a head the other night when, after gobbling up a particularly icky docu-series, my girl got up in the middle of the night to go to the loo and was genuinely scared she was going to be attacked by Ghislaine Maxwell.

July 21, 2022

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Transparently affected clownery

It’s a blazer, but with buttons up the back. I like what Engineered Garments have done with the trusty Bedford for winter. Assuming we ever have winter again.

Like much of the population I spent the last few days hiding from the sun — curtains drawn, regular cold showers, a fist of Mint Magnums in the freezer. If this is the beginning of the end of days, if ecological imbalance truly is mankind’s Great Filter moment, it’s helpful to see the right-wing rags making light of it by calling anyone who doesn’t fancy being burned alive a ‘snowflake‘. Stop whinging peons, if Prince Charles can keep his tie on, just carry on working and spending.

The threat of armageddon is dwarfed by our own stupidity.

July 18, 2022

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Bad language, good bediquette

I do enjoy hearing younger generations taking pieces of our language and making them their own. It’s almost as much fun as hearing older people awkwardly try to copy it.

I’m feeling (desperately hoping) ‘smashed it’ is finally losing its momentum. Although the equally hideous ‘you got this’ appears now to be in the ascendancy. ‘Them’s the breaks’, you might say — assuming you take your linguistic direction from our outgoing Anus-in-Chief.

July 7, 2022

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Mostly films, also shoes

Here’s another dispatch from the frontline of joblessness for you — you never know, it might be useful one day. Principally I’ve discovered that when you haven’t got a job, there are quite a few things you can do to fill the time.

You can pick up a big coffee table picture book, flick through it, then replace it on the pile. Then you can use your hands to scoop up any bits of fluff on the coffee table, cup the bits and then carry them to the peddle bin. You can stare out the window. You can start reading a novel, then put it down after four pages satisfied that you’ve ‘done some reading’. Then you can look out the window again to see if anything’s changed.

I find not having a job also provides plenty of time to think about things I could do. Like repairing that loose handle in the kitchen, or watering the near-dead houseplants. I sometimes erect the ironing board, top up the iron with water and then think about all the shirts I could iron at some point in near future.

Then of course, there are films.