I’ve got a love-hate relationship with Mr Porter. For every pair of Yuketens, they field ten pairs of Louboutin trainers. They stock an enviable selection of carefree Kapital, yet their editorials seem obsessed with rules. Slim-suits with roll-necks. Bajillion quid Jaeger-LeCoultre watches. That incessant Mr this and Mr that.
Madmen was just a TV show.
Still, their sale starts tomorrow and on such occasions I’m happy to make hay with Mr Hypocritical — I’m going to drop some bucks while turning a blind eye to myself. The day after that, my usual tiresome programme of reverse snobbery will resume.
I’m not going to reveal what I’ve saved to my Mr Porter wish-list. Mostly because I don’t want anyone else getting up earlier than me and swagging my swag. So instead, here are five things I might buy if they were reduced in price. And, if I wasn’t already committed to buying other stuff that I’ve already said I’m not going to tell you about. Fair?
Thing 1: Tie-Dyed Jeans by Story MFG
I’d find it a challenge to pull these off. Doubtless I’d recieve some wry smiles from my peers, probably some rudimentary wittisisms too. This is a full-on pair of jeans. Not only is that tie-dye finish fully bongo-bongo, but they also boast a cropped length. Check out the video of the model strutting about on Porter’s product page. My more straight-laced collegue’s eyes would roll like a fruit machine. Personally, I think they’re amazing.
Thing 2: Crocheted belt by Nicholas Daley
I’ve had hands-on with this over at Goodhood, it’s much more robust than you might think from the picture. There’s cotton in there, but also red, yellow and black jute. And watch out, it’s a dangler — rope it around your waist and you’ll have plenty of excess to just leave hanging. Observers might think you’ve just been negligent. But you haven’t. It’s meant to hang like that. Fuck you observers.
Thing 3: Jacquard track jacket by Needles
One of the season’s bolder track tops from Needles. But if you haven’t already got one in your rotation, tomorrow’s sale could present a good opportunity. The print looks like Henry VIII’s bathrobe and you might need to announce a strobe warning before you enter a room, but this is a fiercely desirable piece of kit. A word of warning: before purchase check it’s compatible with Zoom, it might just short your web cam.
Thing 4: Patchwork sweatshirt by Kapital
Big piece this. The front is plaIn. The back is an insanity of quilting. At £520 it’s like a siren call, seducing with its beauty, but ultimately leading to anguish and despair. If Mr Porter gets his big scissors out tomorrow it might become more achievable. But even then we’d have to be talking 50% and up. Obviously it’s a stand-out piece. One to provoke lust and envy amongst your fellow sailors.
Thing 5: Woven leather sandals by Yuketen
For Yuketen, these are already at a good price. Even so, because they’re a seasonal piece, you have to assume there’ll be some movement on the price tomorrow. They’re currently £170 and I’m slightly surprised Mr Porter have so many pairs left. Perhaps it’s the lockdown effect. Or maybe your typical Mr Porter client isn’t into dressing like Jesus. Either way, if these bad boys drop tomorrow I might consider adding them to my already packed shopping bag.
Them’s my recommendations. If you’re participating in the Mr Porter sale tomorrow I wish you well. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t buy the things I want, that I haven’t told you about, that you couldn’t possibly know. Come on, play the game.