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Kapital: just the right side of berserk

It’s Monday 4.45am. I didn’t set an alarm, I just woke. My mind honking at me — Mr Porter sale, MR PORTER SALE…

So yeah, as I scribbled yesterday, the Mr Porter sale is now live. I’ve just tipped my wish-list into my shopping bag and copped hard. Might take a little longer to arrive, they say. But that’s fine. I’m lucky the things I wanted had been chopped by 50%.

This is sadly not the case for all the pieces I recommended yesterday. I banged on about a patchwork Kapital sweatshirt which is stubbornly refusing to move from its hefty £520. Some Kapital pieces have conceded to the scissors, but to my mind, they’re either too generic, too spenny, or too deranged.

The Kapital fan looking for a piece that’s not too costly and just the right side of berserk would do well to check out these hats.

I’m not quite sure what’s going on here, but I want to be part of it. Even retailer Blue in Green seem a bit vague with their explanation saying, (the hat) “appears as though its size has been adjusted because of the straight belt attached.” What do you mean, “appears as though…?”

I’m just going to assume these hats fit the average human head, because it suits me to, because I love them. So what if there’s ambiguity around the actual purpose of that belt/strap thing running over the top. I don’t care, it looks phenomenal. Now I’ve seen these, I feel like all my hats are missing bits of belt hanging off the rim. An idea that makes me extremely uncomfortable.

There are five colourways — black, khaki, camel, white and denim. I think I’d go with the black, it looks more like very dark blue to me and besides you’d get the strongest contrast with the stitching. Although for maximum foolishness the white is hard to top — capturing both the weed-headed indifference of a Happy Monday and the cruel discipline of an Imperial Scout Trooper.

My relationship with millinery is sturdy, but exclusively focused on the casual. I have no desire to look like Manny from Modern Family. My hats are mostly formless, sloppy dollops of wool, cotton or denim; worn in contrast with the slightly more neat and tidy business below. One of these Kapital numbers would fit right in. I’d wear it with a suit. A casual suit, but certainly one smart enough to create an unexpected contrariety. I imagine I’d look like a gonzo journalist. An untameable loon, with a pocket full of Codeine and a mind full of poetry. I expect my fellow Asda shoppers would think so too.

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