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Life’s lactations are to be gargled

You’ve probably encountered the old saying; dress for the job you want, not the job you have. It obviously infers that by ditching your old suit and buying a new (more up-to-date) suit you’ll be next in line for a promotion.

Of course in reality that’s just half the story. What happens when your boss feels challenged by your new look? Now they feel scruffy and out of touch, disempowered in front of their team. So they take their insecurity out on you through excessive criticism, undermining you at every turn. Despondent, and unmotivated, you leave, to take a job for a smaller salary, just to get away from a diabolical manager of your own making.

Fortunately in these increasingly post-suit times, this is less of an issue. Besides, I say, why aim for just the job you want. What about dressing for the life you want. Case in point, this ridiculous robe coat.

It’s 100% polyester, playboy style. It uses an embroidered Damask fabric. It has a belt. I’m assuming for £480 it’s intended to be worn out the house. But whether inside or out, this is a garment for a contemporary libertine – the Vicomte de Valmont of east London. A dude wearing this treats his sexual conquests with the same sensitivity you’d show an empty packet of Nik Naks. A pint of Stella with his full English, a lighter with a naked lady on it, an animal print thong; this is a guy for whom rules are a joke and life’s lactations are to be gargled and dribbled onto a sandwich.

This garment comes from Nepenthes brand AiE. Arguably an unusual piece amongst the brand’s more familiar tracksuit trousers, sweats and shirting; both its function and its likely customer are something of a mystery.

But as I say, this is a robe for the life you want. Do you want a life of Strictly, garden centres and Wacky Warehouses? Or a Betamax collection of Color Climax, a thirty a day Lambert habit and genital herpes? The answer lies within that red and gold embroidery.

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