There’s a lot of stuff you’d think people should know, but they don’t. Women for instance, have no idea just how many abominable bastards don’t wash their hands after passing liquid. Even in this day and age, the amount of bros I’ve seen who bypass the sink and head straight for the door, while patting their hands on their trousers, is sickmaking. Think about that next time you shake a guy’s hand, or take a bite of his bagel. He’s probably just been holding a pissing pisspipe pissing piss.

Completely unsimilarly, I assume all bros are as fervent for anything Engineered Garments as I. However everywhere I look, there are brothermen not wearing EG. They’re wearing nondescript tight jeans, cropped tailored blazers and thin-soled pointy shoes. They must know what they’re doing is wrong. Perhaps, they’ve just given up?  That’s probably why they are happy to befoul their hands, then offer you a fist of mixed nuts?

Anyways… this is Engineered Garments AW 14 – the stuff that’ll be hitting the shops over the next month or so. For those on a directional tip, what can we learn from this collection?

Leopard print is a thing. Not sure how I feel about this, in that I’m almost certainly never going to wear either a jacket or trousers in leopard print. There is a leopard print bucket hat in the collection too, however my experience with EG buckets is that they err towards the ball-out massive. So probs not that either. I’d forget leopard print. Unless of course, you’re an especially theatrical homosexual, with a personality so effervescent you never notice people’s eyes drifting around the room as you explain, in great detail, why Bethany in PR is such a ‘baahch’. In which case, it’s all yours.

Cargo pants with pockets on the front? Deffo. Strong. Needed. next…

Mad layering? Yes. Probably not as mad as this mad old duffer. But yes to layering, and yes to muted patterns too.

Rasta hat? No. Chunky turn-ups yes. Cords, deffo. They’re the winter chino.

Large check trousers? I’m thinking a no. But gillets, under (or over) a blazer and the self-patterned jacket on the left, big yeses.

Shit dogg. That’s some all-over velvet going on. Gonna have to say no to the emerald, but a more conservative navy could have some play. With velvet it’s a fine line between looking like the dog’s knockers and like a guy who takes the stage to do ten minutes, while they pack away the bingo and the stripper oils up.

I think Terry McCann had to give this guy a slap once for being a bit naaaaughty. No. I wouldn’t wear this.

I think this is the best shit…

Long shirts, gillets, the blazer/bucket combo, loose, heavy chinos with robust turn-ups… And my personal favourite, a dude who looks like Anna Wintour’s gardener. And I bet you he washes his hands after using his hose.