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The correct answer to every question asked since the dawn of man

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You may have noticed. At certain times of the year it gets a bit warmer. When this occurs, a bro must address the mishaps of last summer’s wardrobe to see what can be salvaged. He must root amongst the stained, the frayed, the creased and the inadvisably lacy, and commit to keeping or dumping.

Three things always happen. Number 1. After months of knits, and outerwear, you remember how insubstantial most warm weather kit is. Number 2. The pieces you hoped would carry you through another summer are all, in fact, saddled with some kind of harrowing malaise.

Remember your enthusiasm for the pulled pork at the barbeque? Remember that track-suited beanstalk, with the tattoo of a spiders-web on his neck, stepping all over your Spring Courts? Remember going ass first into that warm Lion Bar? Your spring steez is tired brah. What you going to do? What’s the answer?

You’re going to do Number 3 – which coincidentally is also the correct answer to every question asked since the dawn of man. You’re going to buy more shit.

So, to encourage you to prise apart that billfold, here’s my pick of the current spring drops.

Killing it with calmness, this APC windbreaker is minimal in detail, but all the better for it. The standout press-stud chest pockets give it a confident smartness that will carry a bro from a cliff-top hike, to delivering an executive level Keynote presentation at a catering symposium with consummate ease.

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What could be more practical than a hat full of pockets?

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It’s remarkable how often I find myself wanting to transport multiple small things of similar size, but completely separate formats, and keep them perpetually above shoulder height – I never seem to have the right hat for the job. Quite seriously, I might drop for this and I’ll do so here.

Yup, more white plimsolls.

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They’re by Spalwart from Slovakia and these obscuros are made on the same machines, with the same moulds, as they did in the 1950s. I’m not sure why that makes them good. Logic would suggest humans are actually better at making trainers 60 odd years later, you know, we’ve probably learned stuff about rubber and things. Anyway, they’re sort of ugly-pretty if you ask me and a good talking point for bros who like their garms to tell a tale.

Again, there’s no getting away from prints this season.

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And while this does smack of the kind of wack GQ or a Sunday sup would put on it’s menswear page to add a bit of colour, I could see this working with maybe a navy blaze and an oxford shirt underneath. Creating a sort of splashy frame around an otherwise pretty standard getup. I’d probably rock this, but I don’t think I’d ever have the bottle to fully zip up this Battenwear monster.

This is a towel by Mountain Research.

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It’s got a metal thing to hang it up and everything. Does one actually wear a towel? It’s said that people ‘wear their hair’ a certain way. Or increasingly women ‘wear a handbag’. Do they, or do they ‘carry a handbag’? Dunno, don’t care. If women can ‘wear’ a bag, then I’m gonna suggest you ‘wear’ this towel. It’s a nice fucking towel. Just put some pants on underneath. No one wants an eyeful of peen.

I love the descriptions of posh socks on webstores. It must be a bit of a struggle, I mean, they’re pretty much just socks.

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Over at The Garbstore they point out that these £20 socks by Anonymous Ism are, “tied dyed” and “woven with passion in Japan”. That strikes me as perfectly reasonable. They’re 20 quid, they should be woven with passion. Even if it’s just the passion of a dude who knows how many 20 quids will be pouring his way if he keeps weaving.

The site also points out, “Ribbed ankle with linked heel and toe”. But isn’t that a bit like saying, “includes holes for feet to go in”? I mean aren’t all socks ribbed? M&S socks are ribbed. I’ve never seen any that haven’t got any heels. And if I did I wouldn’t buy them. I just wouldn’t. What do they take me for?

Hold tight, it’s yet more little-known white sneaks.

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These are called the Sandwich Hi Heritage 2 by the brand RFW – a Japanese brand that was formally known as Rhythm Footwear. No me neither. Not sure if the weird, double-vamp thing going on makes these flounder in unnecessariness. Dunno if they look a bit fancy-boy – like they’d go well with the generic urban tool-kit of Superdry et al? I’m kind of sold on the red and blue flashes though. And the fact that I’ve never heard of them.

For boos, this style is a skater shoe – and Toppers is full of ‘em right now for 20 sheets. For brahs it’s called a Belgium suede loafer by Be Positive and you can add an extra ton to that 20.

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These are suitably neat and tidy and perfect for standing on the bow of a yacht, smoking a filterless, watching the sunset, with tears in your eyes, to a soundtrack of Jay Z and Linkin Park’s Numb/Encore. Maximum emosh.

A simple, spring staple from the Projects.

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Those bold stripes, and horizontal at that, take this shirt to a place those bargainous oxfords in Muji just can’t go. I don’t know where that is. But if I’m going to drop £100 on a stripy shirt, it better be somewhere good. You know, with free crisps at least.

When you wear this Neighborhood SVG madness, your mates will say, “who do you think you are, some kind of culture vulture?” Before laughing until their noses run.

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You will then spend a lot of time trying to work out whether they genuinely thought it was a witty thing to say, or whether they said it because they knew it was deeply unamusing, thus mildly amusing. You will spend so much time thinking about this, that you will forget you spent 230 quid on a shirt covered in vultures. So, you know, all good.

A Wood Wood t-shirt, featuring all the different cottons.

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The dark cotton, the white one and the grey one, with a bit of white in it too. That’s all the cottons ever invented. It’s made of cotton. 100% cotton. And it’s 80 quid. 80 quids worth of cotton right there.

I’ve spoken about roll top bags before.

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I worry that there would be a significant amount of unfurling to be done, in order to reach ones essentials. I don’t like the idea of crouching on the floor of the packed tube, trying to develop enough of an opening to pull a prepacked sandwich from a giant, concertinaed denim vagina. Still, it’s a pretty nice bag. Anthem have ‘em.

Finally, I love a lightweight blaze.

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This might look a bit bonk-bonk in the pic, but check out its full deets at Norse Store. It’s a great throw-on for chillier evenings. It’s 100% linen – thin and wispy yo. So be prepared for the outline of your shoulder holstered, Bren Ten Pistol to show through. Assuming you are a Ferrari Daytona driving, 1980’s cop in the best TV show ever made.

2 Comments

  1. Rich

    Dear Rampboy,
    I’m in the market for a new pair of sneeks, and need your advice.
    I’ve always leaned towards the Adidas/Puma styles, occassionally flirting with various skater shoes.
    My last pair were Converse, but sadly split after a few weeks due to my wide, flipper-like feet.
    Is there anything on the high-street that might fit the bill?
    Nothing too flash, mind, just something befitting a 43 year old hombre.

    Loving the blog, bro.

    • Hi Rich,

      I tend to prefer simple sneakers rather than the brights and patterns that are so strong right now. If you head to Oi Polloi, they’ve got a great edit of reliable brands and a number of interesting imported styles too.

      If you’ve liked Converse before but found them too flimsy, then these, based on the original 1970s construction (thicker canvas, thicker rubber) might work, they’re also wider than the regular shoes, which might be ideal for you –
      http://www.oipolloi.com/converse-1970s-chuck-taylor-all-star-ox-parchment

      These are pretty interesting, I’ve never had any myself, but they’re really affordable, but I suspect you wouldn’t see many other in these –
      http://www.oipolloi.com/dunlop-volley-injection-white-green

      I’ve been wearing Spring Courts for about 12 years now.They are quite a wide fit so could be a good choice. Very simple French sneaks that wear well –
      http://www.oipolloi.com/spring-court-b2-canvas-mid-cut-white

      Finally there’s Superga. Italian and have been a sort of underground staple in the UK, until they’ve blown up through a massive marketing push over the last five or so years. They’re a bit common now perhaps, and also might be a little slim for your feet, but they do look great and the recent Oliver Spencer colab produced some pretty desirable kicks –
      http://www.oipolloi.com/superga-2750-cotu-classic-ecru-1

      Hope this helps and appreciate the kind words about the blog.

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