I read one of those men’s style advice columns the other day. You know, the sort with a hand drawn illo of the writer in a blazer, tie and side parting. I usually find these columns dispiritingly banal – this one was worse…  “What’s the acceptable alternative to trainers on hot days?” I mean, seriously? Having worked in editorial most of my life, I’m aware that the writer just makes up the questions as well as the answers (soz if that’s a shock). But this level of simpletonism just encourages readers to consider any interest in clothes as shorthand for being the dumbest of fucks.

Surely at this point everyone’s aware there are different types of shoes right? It’s not just me who’s noticed that when it’s hot some people wear flip-flops and some people wear sandals and some people wear loafers? Anyway, this ‘menswear expert’ then went on to recommend espadrilles – the repellent summertime footwear of choice for any terrifying thin-lipped, pit-bull dragging, tattoo enthusiast. Good work ‘menswear expert’.

Personally, I think if anyone actually found value in that advice they shouldn’t be worried about what to wear – they should be more concerned about whether they’re intellectually able to button up a shirt. Either way, fuck espadrilles, they’re revolting. If you’re genuinely confused by what constitutes a shoe when the weather gets a bit warmer, just buy these Oliver Spencer, lightweight, suede derbys. They’re neat, simple, tasteful and are in the sale at 105 quid. You’ll look like a grown up. Don’t quibble. Just buy them. At time of writing, they’ve got sizes 8, 9 and 10  – which probably covers a good 85% of men who are confused by the sun.

Anyway, I’ve got a question: I want to wash myself, but find that a bath uses a lot of water and takes quite a long time to fill, can anyone suggest an acceptable alternative?