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This Engineered Garments jacket won’t impede taking a plopsicle

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One morning, years ago, I went for a coffee with a mate. We sat, ordered and he quickly excused himself to go to the toilet. After three minutes, he came racing back to the table and said, “we’ve got to leave, now.”

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My associate and I were students at the London College of Fashion and were no strangers to progressive menswear. Turned out, my bro had, that day, chosen to wear an all-in-one. An undergarment, possessing the characteristics of both vest and pants, but no buttons, or orifices of any kind. After an evening of many pints of pints, my friend had felt a poo on the horizon. But in order to address the task, he’d had to take off his shirt, unhook his stupid vest-onesie-thing and basically sit on the bog in the nude. Rather unfortunate then, that the ramshackle establishment was without proper door locks. One of the waiters walked in on him. Having a shit. Completely bare.

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It’s easy for designer garms to get carried away with the zeitgeist. Way back in the early 90s all-in-ones for bros, were pretty new. Presumably in Mr Klein’s haste to get his new idea out the door, he forgot that people sometimes need to access their refuse pipes.

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There is of course, no clear reason to imagine that this Engineered Garments jacket would impede you taking a plopsicle. That said, I still can’t figure out if it’s a similar case of ‘designer gone mad’? It’s beyond the beyond with the deets, check this…

It’s crafted from indigo Cone denim (From the Cone Mills, Greensboro, North Carolina- one of the last manufacturers of selvedge denim in the US). It has multiple front pockets, branded removable buttons, a cord lined collar with throat tab, cord lined pocket flaps and cuffs, adjustable button cuffs, reinforced elbows, two inside pockets and a pocket on the back.

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It’s difficult to image any one man being able to tame that many specifications. It’s like a fucking denim computer. I reckon, within a few hours of wear, you’d feel your free will eroding. After a day, the garment would become fully sentient, it’d start wearing you and you’d probably develop superpowers, sort of like Deathlock, but more cottony.

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Even in the face of such risks, this looks like an essentialness. If it wasn’t 311 gold pieces + postyman, I’d be wearing it as I write. But I’m not. I’m wearing an old 90s onsie and I feel a poo coming on.

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