On telly I’ve watched many occasions where a character is trying to nick something. A folder say, from an office. And they stick it under their shirt to hide it, then walk out. Thing is, I’ve tried to nick loads of stuff – sausages, Marvel figurines, 1960s spy dossiers. I stick them under my shirt and as soon I start to walk, they drop on the floor. Everyone can see I’m a thief. And I get all arrested and shit. And imprisoned. And bummed. Which actually makes hiding things up your bum loads easier – you know, more room. But it doesn’t help those hoping to avoid the whole priz-priz-bum-bum thing in the first place.

I’m guessing these shirts were designed with this pressing issue in mind.

Check the drawstring hems. You could tighten that shit up and whack all manner of contraband in there. You might look a bit preggers, but at least you know your CIA asset lists and your loose meats aren’t gonna slop onto the floor in front of the other spies. In fact these garbs are ideal for covert operations, according to the blurb on retailer Someday-Store, “the collection functions in both casual and formal settings.” So apparently you can forget any worries you may have about a drawstring, multi-pattern shirt and a pair of flowery shorts sticking out a bit amongst the other operatives.

The brand is Sacai, founded in 1999, by Abe Chitose, ex of Comme des Garcons.  And if you’re thinking about getting involved with these smuggle-ready garms, get your accounts in order first brah. The shirts above are 565 dollar dollar bills each. Which is quite literally, a lot.

But don’t worry, they do cheaper alternatives. This one…

Is only $445. While this one’s a positive steal…

At $390.

Haven’t got 390 and still need to snaffle a Western European Terrorist WET List from the MI6 Director’s office? Then I direct you to the alternative mentioned at the start of this piece. Just roll it up real tight. And for fucks sake, relax.