A T-shirt that dual-wields pockets is odd right? When I first peeped this, I didn’t know why I liked it. I knew I liked it, I just couldn’t see why. It was like some exasperating magic eye picture. I stared until my eyes bruised. Then I got it, it’s got two pockets. Most T-shirts have one. That’s some fucking swag voodoo right there.

No idea what that Velcro thang is above the left knocker? I could well do without it. What am I going to stick on that? That whole, stylish subservience vibe – “Hi my name’s Stephen, I’m happy to serve” – don’t fit this brah’s personal brandeye. But the whole two pockets on a T thing… I’m totally won.

You could carry fags and a lighter in one…

… and a Lion Bar, a Toffee Crisp and a length of Munchies in the other.

These rarities come in navy or cream and are by South2 West8. It’s a brand that does a bumton of swag bags in Japanland. And a selection nearer home at The Bureau. But I can only find the clothing over on Digital Mountain. They’ll run you ￥7,344, which, according to the mighty XE online fiscal switcheroo, is 42.5656 worth of Her UK Majesty’s quids.

I’m still not sure if I’m being a proper bellstick though. Two pockets on a T? That’s unusual right? It’s a thing yeah? It’s not, not a thing? Is my brain starting to sag? Are my eyeballs ballsed? I think I’m seeing pockets everywhere. Fuck this, I’m off to watch the snooker.