Why are people such wang lords? You know people. You’ve seen them around. Nibbling the lips off a kebab in the street. Stumbling in cheap heels and cackling with laughter. Openly urinating in an alley where passers by can see them. Where small children with their mums can see a grown man’s cock, pissing piss. You know, people.

And people travelling. Why can’t people just sit still for an hour or so? Is it really that hard? Within a minute of a train pulling out the station, or the airline seatbelt sign pinging off, half the people on board seem to have to stretch their stupid legs, or have to go and buy a baguette to noisily fold up and push into their shoutbox. Or they suddenly need a poo. Pulling their giant rears down the aisle, bumping into your elbow, over and over and over a-bloody-gain. If I had a space machine that turned, “oh, I’m sorry mate”s into quids… I could afford a lot more Engineered Garments. I don’t want your “sorry”s, I just want you to sit still like a grown mammal. And stop making love to that fucking Upper Crust Lattice Slice right in front of my face. People are infants.

So when a brah has to travel, it’s vital he busts garb that’ll take the strain out the experience. Kit that’s comfortable to sit still in – not too hot, not too restraining. And crucially, kit that provides the agility required to dodge all manor of encounters with the flatulent, the bovine, the idiotic and the obese.

For a train trip this weekend up to Bath and I went into battle thusly. I tossed on a new pique cotton polo shirt from Uniqlo (for breathability) and a lightweight wool Comme des Garcons Homme Plus cardi for a little warmth. My slim cargo pants and a Barbour For Japan jacket, provided a wealth of pockets. The Barbour is a little different from the regular UK jobs. Slimmer by a small margin, lighter and I believe a little shorter. It’s a trimmer fit all round and I much prefer it to the regular styles.

I find personal storage is vital on such jaunts. Phone, headphones, fags, lighter, wallet, travel card, train tickets – all need compartmentalizing. Plus, of course, I have to keep one pocket spare – to keep my precious, anti-social demeanor safe.