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Why the last thing five hundred pounds is, is five hundred pounds


Five hundred quid isn’t what it was. I mean, yes, in literal terms it’s five hundred quid. If you’ve got five hundred pounds in your wallet, you have, in a very actual sense, got five hundred pounds. The Queen’s face says it’s five hundred pounds and from both a banking and legal perspective, five hundred pounds is quite specifically, five hundred pounds. So why is that also the last thing it is?

Because five hundred pounds buys bum all. You start messing around amongst the steezed up #menswear brigade and five hundred pounds is eaten up on the coat tails of a Junya parka. Gobbledy. Gobbledy. Piss.

Probs is, for most human men, five hundred quids is quite a lot of quids. So with the utmost reverence for most human men and their paltry credit rating, I offer my list of ‘what I’d buy with five hundred quid today, if I had to spend it on kit.’ And if you don’t mind, I’ll continue with the patronising pretense that I could easily drop five hundred quid if I wanted, irrespective of the truth, which is that I’ve just bought a fucking Pukka pie and chips for dinner and I’m drinking Asda own brand squash as I type.

Selection One:


I’ve got blazers in navy. I don’t gots in green. This army shade is the bomb for spring/summer and this lightweight Albam blazer (of the type I was banging on about a day a go) is a go-to for me. I’m ‘avin it. Bang goes 179 beans. I’ve got 321. Like Ted Rogers (cough).

Selection Two:


An Engineered Garments t-shirt. It’s 59 quids from Oi Polloi. It looks kind of plain, but on closer inspection, it’s got a little collar detail, a logo on one sleeve, and of course the screen print effect flowers on the front.  Just think it looks folky, but modern folky. And I don’t mean folky as in the brand Folk. I just mean… I don’t know what I mean. I just don’t. I like it. I’ll shut up. I’ve got 262 left.

Selection Three:

NB-LOGAN-PRISTINE-GUM-2_1024x1024These are a bit casual leaning for me. But, I think if worn with a trouser (never jeans) and a generally smarter look I could make these work for me. Just love the gum sole thing right now and irrespective of the fact that these are New Balance (a brand I feel has, culturally at least, jumped the shark and is now as associated with off-the-peg hipsterism as Urban Outfitters and organic sausage rolls.) Grab ’em for 85 over at Flatspot. I’ve got 177 left.

Selection Four:


I think the thick stripe is a thing. A shirt like this would look strong with a hooded gillet, stripy arms poking our, ladies going wild. I can see that happening. I think I actually can. It’s over at Our Legacy and will put at 133 quid shaped dent in your world. I’ve got 44 left.

Selection Five:


Banging new accessories designer Deji George is all about the African influence. I like this pocket square very much, because as much as it’s camo style, it absolutely isn’t camo. Sort of. A bit. These are on sale right now for a mere 20 bob, so I’ll grab this one. I’ve got 24 left.

Selection Six:


In the most specific way I’ve got 24 quid left in the kitty. However, I saw these trousers in Toast, of all places, yesterday and they’re the strongness. Cotton, with a superb fleck pattern, and high-waited too. Wish they had pleats, but the straight leg will provide a fatter roll that’s the big move right now. If we’re being financially exacting they’re 145. Which puts me 101 pounds over my limit. But like I said, the last thing five hundred pounds is, is five hundred pounds. It’s more like six hundred and one.

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