Ever get those Instagram ads that show football tutorials? For some reason I’m getting loads of them. You should check out @taiyojr.18 — he certainly knows the business end of a football shoe.
I know less than nothing about the fabulous game. But if I was the Global Head of Football for Team UK, I’d be signing up these IG dudes in bulk. They appear to know all the tricks and, unlike our national soccer squad, they always score and never fall over. Surely they’d net a million goal balls for the glorious us.
Being a problem solver isn’t as easy as I make it look. I mean, sure, just yesterday I had an idea for a pizza burger (pizza in a bun, et voila) which I think has legs. And I’ve often thought that cigarette manufactures would sell more tabs if they stuck a nice picture of a celeb having a cheeky puff on the box — I just think that whole ‘coughing up blood’ campaign might actually put people off. But still, a solution to my main problem eludes me. As I type I haven’t managed to ‘convert’ (yay soccerball!) my job leads into an actual new job. I’ve headed and kicked my CV all over the place, but haven’t yet hit the back of the vegetable tote.
As a consequence, I’m on financial lock-down. I recently reported on how strategic deployment of sad-face can provoke generosity in one’s significant other — and I have the new bag and trousers to prove it. But it’s a grotty business. If I was a better man I’d be thoroughly ashamed of myself.
I’ve decided I need to man-up. Stop wallowing, get a job and pay for my own unnecessary accoutrements. I can’t imagine my great-great-grandfather sobbing into his liver and onions because his missus wouldn’t buy him a Pertex gilet with taped zips. And neither will I. Anymore.
Fortunately for you, my selflessness is matched only by my modesty. So here are a few sale selects that may solve your sartorial problems. I can’t afford them, but that’s okay. From now on I’m going to be the bigger man. At the very least medium sized.
Adieu suede and leather boat shoes
I do like a proper 50% off, and after double checking the maths, half of £450 is indeed £225. They’ve only got size 10s left, so if that’s not you, move along.
A word of warning though. I’m often drawn to shoes with a ‘strong personality’. I’m extremely excited, right up until the morning after their debut. At which point, riddled with post-alcohol guilt, I look upon them with all the underlying resentment of a recently divorced couple.
Undercover is one of those Japanese brands that everyone claims to revere but no one seems to wear. You can break that cycle by dropping a trifling £68 on this cap (formally £135). To pull this off properly, all you need to do is pretend you understand why Jun Takahashi’s cut-and-paste graphics are more culturally important than everyone else’s.
The Power For The People blazer
I just really like the look of the boxy cut here and the brave mono-button fastening suggests a lifestyle I’d be happy to be part of. Blazers aren’t really the vibe around Peckham where I live. But at least in this I might be mistaken for a successful gallery owner, or an architect, rather than the jobless wastrel I currently am.
It’s a purple cotton-jersey long-sleeved top. But it’s by Sacai, so at £105 it’s the kind of steal you should mortgage your mum for. It’s only available in smaller sizes so you’ll probably end up looking like Mulligan and O’Hare. Small price to pay in both senses.
If I had the beans to buy just one of my recommendations it’d be this one. Who wears Sasquatchfabrix jeans? No one, that’s who. And look at that price, just £130. 70s style patch pockets and that kick flare; I think these could be the future of menswear. Like Thanos, flares are inevitable.
An oldy but goody. If your outwear game is lacking, you could do a lot worse than swag this Needles number for £217 (50% off). Matches have a good range of sizes, so if you’re in the market for a hardwearing daily number that would have made you look quite cool about three years ago, get involved.
Some of us have been wearing bucket hats for many years. While some of us are now wearing bucket hats for the first time while pretending they’ve been wearing them for years. If you’re in the first group, it’s that second group you’ve got to worry about. To maintain seniority you must rock ever more rarified, prestige millenary, so as to annihilate any stylistic insurgents you encounter. I mean, Dries Van Noten vs Carhartt? Do me a favour.
If I’m honest, I haven’t been feeling Daley’s collections for time. In the show they look great, but I’ve struggled to pick out a specific piece I really want. Speaking of which, no one seems to want this parka over at Mr Porter. All sizes are available and get this, it’s 60% off: formally £670, now £268. As a ‘my first Nicholas Daley’ I think it’s strong. It looks resilient, like it’d stand up to the rigours of drinking lattes in a cafe writing rubbish about sale clothing. Or, if you enjoy the outdoors, it’d probably work out there too.
Final note. For those I bore by going on about Comme des Garçons Homme all the time: sorry not-sorry. But for those who appreciate the subtleties of the brand yet baulk at the unsubtle pricing policy, head to Printemps, it’s a goldmine. I’d never heard of it until it popped up in search. But they’ve got a much better selection of Comme Homme than Dover Street and it’s all at a respectful 50% off. Have at it.