comment 0

This is what lockdown fashion looks like

So now Holby City are donating ventilators. As if this madness couldn’t get any more unreal. Let’s not forget that back in 2017 the Tories cheered after blocking a pay rise for nurses — now props from a BBC drama series have become the key to someone’s life or death. Johnson waved to his carers as he left the ICU. It seems the main reason people rail against politicising the virus is to try and dodge this gruesome hypocrisy.

As I scribbled the other day, there’s no dodging the impact on the garment industry. Sure, there are many tales from frightened Boohoo workers saying yokels won’t stop buying £5 swimsuits. And it’s possible such online shithouses will do well out of this catastrophe. But the smaller indies, freelance designers, journos, models, stylists, make-up artists, snappers — it doesn’t take a genius to realise they’re going to face serious hardship.

So what does fashion look like under this new normal? I’m sorry to say, it looks like the above.

Yesterday The Guardian explored the nascent digital clothing movement. It’s an area that’s gaining interest during lockdown. Speaking to The Fabricant, a ‘digital fashion house’, we learned that they offer avatars, holograms and augmented-reality experiences to brands unable to show IRL.

Part of their offering is Leela. It’s a web platform that enables the user to upload a photo, which is then scanned onto a 3D model. You then select a body type and, with a single click, try on different outfits. The results of which you can see here.

Using Leela it quickly becomes apparent that Engineered Garments is not in stock. The choices are currently limited to three fits.

This one’s got a bit of The Matrix going on. There’s a flesh-coloured, rubbery zip-up top under there. Not a piece I currently own. Not a piece I’m planning to own. But nevertheless, it’d probably provide a bit of warmth.

Especially as I appear to have exposed buttocks.

Then there’s the fit from the top of the page. I appreciate the artistry, but I reckon I might have some trouble with that giant hoop thing on the tube. And I’m sure fellow patrons in a cinema wouldn’t thank me for obscuring their view with my pointless appendage.

Still, I’m happily sci-fi in this. It’s Ming the Merciless meets Alien’s Xenomorph. I feel like Ripley’s going to try and take me down with a flamethrower.

Although it’s possible these might scare her off.

I’m not sure I’m pulling this one off. I’m doing my best, but I reckon it’s too much Blanche from The Golden Girls for me to handle.

And again, look at the reverse angle. Why are all these outfits half catwalk, half bongo video?

Check out Leela for yourself. It’s an interesting glimpse into the potential of the virtual changing room. Obviously it’s pertinent right now. But this tech has been on the way for time. I just hope that when it does hit e-retailers they’ve got some stock less focused on framing my bumhole.

Leave a Reply