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A thrashing rubber dick of blazing colour

Oh the poetry of the male mating ritual. The steamed mirror, air heavy with Paco Rabanne Invictus, the restless hum of the WAHL grooming clippers; it’s a meticulous program of necessity. Without such preparations, the male risks going unnoticed, neglected in favour of other, more dynamic members of the pack. The burden of beauty is heavy. When the clippers are silenced and the bathroom window popped to release the fug of amateur cologne, then the male must dress. And he may choose a shirt like this. A proud peacock of a shirt. A shirt that says ‘I’m here and I’m ready to party.’ The equivalent of a female baboon’s angry red anus.

Actually, this shirt is probably not for the Invictus crowd. While it’d certainly get you noticed during the fun pub mating dance, it’s by N.Hoolywood, it’s only available at south Korean retailer I Am Shop and it costs a healthy £260. Not the kind of thing typically associated with a Fosters top and a tray of jello shots.

There’s a one button placket on this thing, subtlety branded. And you’ll notice the collar and cuffs are given the same flat colour treatment, for “for exquisite balance”, say I Am Shop. Outside of that, the rest of the piece is a thrashing rubber dick of blazing colour and stripes clashing into other stripes. Everything’s on the wonk too; you’ll look like a collection of international motorway hazard signs.

This is probably an acquired taste. But doubtless, somewhere, there’s someone who would find a man attractive in this. It’d have to be person of sophistication, with an appreciation of the Japanese menswear arts. And ideally someone prepared to participate in an extended period of laughter and uninhibited sexual congress. You’ve got to have some  fun before the evenings of microwave meals and sitting wordlessly in front of Michael McIntyre begin.

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