I heard boutique garden centres are the new nightclubs. So I went to see. I quickly noticed that there’s no booze. And no sexy dressing – unless aprons and Wellington boots do it for you. There’s no dancing, no DJ, no drugs and no piss-flooded toilets. There are few singles, barely any spray tan, no spinning glitter-balls, lasers or projections of any kind. And I didn’t see one tattooed man beating another tattooed man over the head with a metal stool. In all other respects though they are identical.