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Darkly sexual trousers

Velvet trousers? They’re all tinsel, yule logs and Cadbury Heroes no? They’re Christmas trousers and even then, only as a knowing comedic nod to the festivities.

Or are velvet trousers are still the preserve of a certain kind of Middle-Englander? You know the sort, Land Rover full of Terriers, Elgar on the organic stereo, wife called Poppy who’s on the board of the heritage trust. The kind of improbable, dragged-through-a-hedge poshos that populate Richard Curtis films.

Perhaps. But one look at these velvet trousers and it’s clear they belong in neither camp.

These are some darkly sexual trousers. Appearing to be cut from the curtains of a 70s bordello, these trousers have seen things, things that’d put you off your custard. Whether it was the intention of Japanese brand SASQUATCHfabrix to produce something that looks as though it’s done a two stretch for lewd behaviour is unclear. But that’s what they’ve done. These trousers are as filthy as spilt Kahlua and as worldly as a dildo salesman. These trousers did the illustrations in the Kama Sutra, while smoking a cigar. These trousers just had sex with your mum.

At £601, entry into this rarified world of absinthe dipped ball gags isn’t cheap. But rest assured, just like the chap pictured, you’ll only have to lop on a white tee and everyone within a five metre radius will be prostrate, begging for a stroke of your soft pile.

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