I’m just going to jump to the assumption that the weird flappy, lace-hole thing on these boots is a heritage detail to do with pole climbing. I might be wrong. But then the internet is full of wrong. That said, I am basing my opinion on two things. Firstly, these are made by White’s (specifically for Nepenthes) a manufacturer of specialised workwear boots. And secondly, they’re called the ‘Poleclimber’. Deduction deduced. I’m like Vera, but with menswear.

They’re tan, made of heavy rough suede, they’re available only on the Japanese Nepenthes site and they might be sold out, I can’t tell, I don’t speak Japan. Doesn’t matter really. Do you know how much 128,000 yen is in British? It’s 740 large. 740 large quids. And that’s large enough.

Even so, I would like these more than it’s reasonable to like a rough suede shoe. The chunky Vibram sole is banging and the silhouette, all rounded and bulbous, would look the complete shit with a pair of  wide, rolled up EG Workaday pants. I’m not sure what else to say. If by some quirk of happenstance you actually own these, I prostrate myself before you in awe of your taste. If you don’t, then I’m guessing you never will. And nor will I. So that’s that solved.