This post disgraces me. I have always considered Birkenstocks a sartorial abomination. A serpent’s seed, the fetid progeny of a demonic bumming between some danish clogs and a pair of Crocs. They’re for people who call ‘thinking about stuff’, ‘spirituality’. They’re for people who ‘like to keep an open mind’ to astrology. Birkenstocks are for people who believe in fairies. So what’s changed?

Bothersome it may be, but Birkies are having a moment. The chick-mags have been gushing about the double-strap and slider styles for a while, leading to a take-up in London amongst  girls who like to live a bit larger than Toppers. While for the brahs, Birkenstocks have slotted into the edits of numerous enlightened online retailers, alongside Engineered Garments, Post O’alls, orSlow and so forth. They just look really appropriate with the whole Japanese/American workwear thing.

The image at the head of this post is from Oi Polloi. It predates this resurgence of interest in Birkenstocks by around two years. They are the Birkenstock Boston, and probably the model most stylistically appropriate for steezists looking to cop the look. Or you could, I guess, roll with the Arizona (below). Either way,  socks are key.

You know when people say, ‘you can’t wear socks with sandals’?  Well, they’re idiots. People that say that are just drawing from their limited and somewhat geriatric, cultural reference pool. Very 70’s, very Keith from Nuts In May, very Charles Hawtrey in Carry On Camping. It’s not the same look as above. Don’t let anyone tell you different, you have to wear socks with Birkenstocks.

I quite like these grey felt Bostons, they’d look pretty strong with a chunky multicoloured sock.

Or to take it up a few tiers, there are still a few of these made for Japan Bostons available over at Union Made.

I feel like punching out my own eyes to even be thinking about buying a pair of these. And it’s not simply because I have always thought Birkenstocks physically repugnant. I’m mostly enraged at my own self, for being so easily puppeted by the now. I have to realise that, rather than an influencer, I’m just a shamefaced peon, a toadying worshipper… I mean, these things look like fucking medical shoes. Like some shit you need a prescription for. I’m such a sheep, I’m probably going to buy shoes that make me look like I really give a superfuck about the health of my feet. I have no idea what is uncooler than that.