Patternedy jackets have been having a thang thang for a while. Meaning, there’s been loads for sale, but hardly any brosephs actually wearing them on them there streets.

I bought a patterned jacket from Garbstore last summer. It featured a sand-rake pattern, you know, all Eastern and wise… I immediately stood accused of a) having mislaid my bongos, b) being the proprietor of a bead stall in Camden market, c) auditioning to become Paul Simon’s bass player.

Patternedy trousers are a thang thang now too. So feel free to examine the following, not buy any of them and accuse anyone you see wearing them of being all Ladysmith Black Mambazo…

These abrasive trouserettes are Climber Pants by Axs Folk Technology. The print is inspired by California born abstract expressionist painter, Sam Francis. They kind of look like a pair of pyjama bottoms beaten with old printer cartridges, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that.. A trifling 180 gold coins will buy you this look.

These chinos by Garbstore, are scientifically impossible to look macho in. I think with this guy’s sneakers and shirt, he’s having a good go, but seriously… baby’s losing the fight. They’re proper shower-curtain chic. I think they come with a free soap on a rope. I cannot envisage a social circumstance where these would be the correct choice.

More Garbstore mindfoolery here, though they’ve taken the volume down a bit to almost wearable levels. They’re like the Dark Knight on holiday with Magnum PI. Kind of liking them, although would a man get 150 doubloons worth of wearability out of these? Could a man? Should a man? Might a man?

These look flat out redonk. Are these meant to be ‘out of the house’ trousers? They look like something I spilled spaghetti hoops on while watching Sapphire and Steel. They’re from double-hip, brandasaurus orSlow. And they’ll pain you 180 stabs to the wallet.

Siamese shit! This is a pair of trousers. It’s arguably more than a pair of trousers. It’s what trousers could evolve to become. Look at them, there’s something knowing about those things. Something beyond. The more I stare at them, the more I genuinely believe they could be sentient. These are the Jack Torrance of trousers. They’ve always been here.

Back in the realm of ‘stuff I might actually wear’, there are these. AXS Folk Technology are the goons behind ’em and they’re called Acid Camo. I’d totally rock this print. But more worryingly, the more I look, I’m starting to check that drawcord waist with some serious desire. I started this post about printed slacks, I’m now genuinely thinking about re-categorising the acceptability of elasticated nappy trousers. To be fair, this might be influenced by my recent transfer to non-smoking status. I’m starting to require a more ‘flexible’ trouser option, to counter-balance my aggressive French Fancy intake.