You see something online. You look at it often. It’s on your mind. It just won’t leave you alone. By day, it’s within you, a symbiotic tug of war between desire and reason. By night it’s on you, a succubus, leaving you drained, vulnerable, ripe to yield. So you buy it. It turns up. You put it on. It’s not like you thought. Fucking piss pants.
That’s where I’m living right now.
I bought this hat…
Here it is side on…
And here it is on my stupid head…
It’s much bigger than I thought it would be. And it’s power pockety. I mean, I knew it would have a load of pockets, but, you know, when you stand and face those pockets, when you really try and stare them down… there’s four of them, on a hat… that’s the same pocket ratio as an average pair of trousers, but on a hat.
I have two choices. A) Return it to the shop. It cost 79 quid, so it’s worth the bores. B) Convince myself I like how it looks.
I think I might do number B. I’m literally more obsessed with the idea of this hat, than I am the actual truth of it. The truth of it, in many respects, is the least important thing. Let me list my reasons:
1) It’s by Engineered Garments, which is frankly the dopest brand a bro can rock right now. So you know, that’s a win right there.
2) These hats are sold out everywhere. Except in bright pink. But who’s going to lord a hat this big in pink? Shit dogg, your face would melt Ark of the Covenant style.
3) Hats are definitely the most hat-like thing you can buy online. They are prone to feeling incorrect when you actually get them. I think I have a medium head and its a medium size. I must trust the manufacturer. He knows about stuff like heads. I know nothing. The hat is correct. And if it feels wrong? Then I must be wrong.
4) When people tell me I don’t suit hats, they’re just plain wrong. No one ever says I don’t suit shoes. How can someone just ‘not suit’ headwear? They’d have to have fucking horns. Or some kind of John Merrick head. And even he had a nice bag. Everyone can suit a hat. It’s just that people don’t see each other in hats as frequently as jumpers and jeans. I definitely suit this hat. I just don’t believe it yet.
*Immediately after reviewing the photos taken for this post, it was decided to return the hat to Oi Polloi.