I don’t know why I’m surprised. It’s not like this hasn’t happened before.

A couple of weeks back I bought an entirely unnecessary nylon shoulder holster, quickly followed by a Kolor sweatshirt. My girl was displeased. Why wasn’t I saving? Why do I keep buying things that are not that different from things I already own? Why am I never satisfied with what I’ve already got?

I explained that the nylon shoulder holster and the Kolor sweatshirt were the last things I needed. The very last. Once I had them, that would be it for a long time and I would focus entirely on buying new plants for the garden and expensive wallpaper and other sensible things we need to buy that, right this second, I can’t quite remember. All would be well. Let’s be grown-ups.

And then yesterday I received two emails. “40% off”, announced Dover Street. “Sample sale this weekend”, chimed Studio Nicholson.

I could hear my girl sighing from the next room.

This coat has my name on it. No one knows but me. I did show it to my girl last night and we both laughed at the very idea of me buying yet another navy jacket. We both laughed, but I was pretending. She was actually laughing. I was just making laughing noises. I hope that when she finally realises I’m serious she can take comfort from the fun time we had.

It’s difficult to say how long it’ll take to get from deceitful hilarity to cha-ching. But I know time’s against me. If that Kolor sweatshirt wasn’t being Parcelforced to me today, I’d be inclined to jump in a Bolt (Uber’s so pre-Lockdown) to Dover Street to try it on. Damn these inconvenient deliveries of expensive Japanese casual-wear.

The jacket itself? It’s Comme des Garçons Homme. Cotton and nylon mix, with buttons to the neck, two large bellows pockets and a cool diagonal snap pocket at the chest. There’s a curvy shirt-style hem, which I think might work. The back is all creasy and crinkly, which I know will work. I’m not usually one for obvious branding, but for that little tag, tucked away on the lower left pocket, well… I can make an exception. It’s Comme Homme after all. None of your PLAY nonsense here. Wearing this for an after work drink down my Peckham local, I’d be the king’s chips.

I genuinely hope you don’t like it, because if anyone else buys my size I’m going to feel robbed. The more I think about it, the more I’m coming to realise that this coat is the big game changer. The very last thing I need to make everything worthwhile. The very, very last.