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Xenia Telunts: Perfect for the sofa-based detective

Hold tight, it’s more loungewear. A couple of days back it was kaleidoscopic stripes by Dusen Dusen, now it is giant kimonos featuring splodgy houses and pot plants.

Finally the importance of loungewear has hit home. I’ve got a pair of ‘day’ pyjamas by Nowhaw, but, during this chill we’re all tired of talking about, they’re not quite substantial enough. The thing is, I do a great deal of sofa-based detective work; Death in Paradise; Marcella; Vera; The Bay; The Pembrokeshire Murders. And I can’t concentrate if I’m cold.

Someone is killed to death, there’s a cop with family problems and a familiar rotation of British supporting actors  — to some it’s repetitive, but to the experienced investigator it’s all in the detail. Frequently, my Assistant Constable (my girl) appears less than engaged  — she spends far too much time on WhatsApp for my liking. If she doesn’t get with the programme it’ll be back to desk work for her.

Never forget, the murderer is always the most implausible family member, and while you’re at it, try and train yourself to zone-out the bits where the lead’s ex-partner turns up out the blue wanting to ‘spend more time with the kids’. It’s valuable work.

But of course, a sofa-detective is no use to anyone if they’re always shivering.

The main problem with this, admittedly outstanding kimono robe, is the cost. Sofa-detectives don’t make much  — it’s more duty than vocation. So £920 just isn’t going to wash.

That said, it’s a grandstanding piece. The brand is Xenia Telunts and they’re based in Kent. Yep, this is a Kent kimono for sale at Maidens Store in Japan.

It’s made of cotton and silk and yes… I know I lost you at £920. But if nothing else, the faux-naïveté of the appliqué deserves a look. As someone who, when sketching, struggles to make anything deliberately naïve look good, I have great admiration for work like this. The plants, the house, the tea cup; all have just enough form to make them recognisable and no more. Simply beautiful.

Look how they all seem to be so crudely tacked on. And those voluminous cuffs; you could get a parka under there no bother.

Obviously this is beyond the reach of most of us. But there’s no harm in dreaming. It’d be nice for example if ITV Drama sent me a certificate recognising my commitment to armchair sleuthing. The other day I imagined Morven Christie crawling out of my TV into my living room, Ringu style, and thanking me for my assistance in cracking The Bay. And in all fairness, that is more likely to happen than me being able to afford this robe.

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