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White Mountaineering: like dressing up a Ken doll as Action Man

I can’t remember when I last wore a pair of lace-up shoes. It’s getting that way with trousers too — I haven’t been out of shorts for weeks. Every day it’s cut off Engineered Garments trousers, or giant Sasquatchfabrix techno shorts that crackle when I walk. Up top I dress for Zoom, off camera it’s a world of knees.

Consequently I’m feeling these White Mountaineering shorts. They’re militaristic, but perhaps a little too delightful — like dressing up a Ken doll as Action Man.

There’s a lightweight cotton/poly fabric going on, as well as an arsenal of pockets — regular hip, cargos with zips, another pair on the thigh front and couple round the back. That’s eight pockets on one pair of shorts.

But then, realistically, you’re not going to actually use them all. I mean, there’s a reason they’re all presented in tasteful complementary tones, and it isn’t so you can remember which pocket you put your lip liner in. It’s all for show. You got any ornamental jars of pasta that aren’t for eating? What about fancy soaps you’re not allowed to use? Same principle. Show pasta, show soaps, show shorts. The only combat these shorts should see is Free-For-All Modern Warfare.

You can grab these monsters over at Haven for an entirely unreasonable £332. Cop them now if you’ve got a lot of stuff you don’t want to carry around in eight pocketed ornamental shorts.

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