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Going hard OAP

The Engineered Garments shoulder pouch is as simple as it comes. It’s basically an envelope on a strap; big enough for an iPad Mini, or a handful of spectacles, fags, lighters, iPhone, pack of Percy Pigs; the usual contraband. As someone with shoulder-on experience of this pouch I can report with some confidence on its practicality. And packed lightly, it’s slender enough to wear under your jacket or blazer – you know, like they do in the EG look-books.

My old shoulder pouch is plain navy; humble and simple. This season’s are straight-up lunacy. Someone’s been watching Grey Gardens and has decided to go hard OAP. It’s like a raid on Downton Abbey’s attic – giant floral jacquards, geometric roses, some shit that looks like it belongs on a piano stool and is that some kind of tapestry? All of it measured, chopped and sewn into bags intended for a fully grown man to use. Lean in, you can almost smell the granny.

I’m so down with this vibe it’s difficult to express. But admittedly this is a ‘show’ play. Sure, you can put stuff in these bags. But if you’re choosing to use a bag with a huge zoomed-in rose on it, it ain’t just about portability. It’s about getting the fuck noticed. It’s about supreme flair. Come on, let’s not lie to each other here.

I can barely pick a favourite from this roster over at Japan based Collect Store. At ¥9,720, they work out at about 75 quid each. They certainly haven’t hit UK shores yet, so you’d have to add postage and proxy on the top.

Actually, I’ve had a think. If I had to pick just one, I’d go with the pink above. I know for a fact that this season EG are offering a tie in this fabric too. And I’d have that too given the opportunity. This pink fabric is so dynamically wrong, it can only be right. That said, it’s safe to say, I would ‘wear’ any of these patterns in a situation that called for upholstery-based accessories. It’s official, I’m now going to dress exclusively like a care-home interior.

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