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As you were

I’m almost put off writing about stuff like this because of all the technical hocus-pocus I have to cut, paste and then re-word to make it look like I know what I’m talking about. Apparently these feature a “VIBRAM® RollinGait System sole”. They’ve also got an, “easy adjust magnetic FIDLOCK® buckle.” (Look how lazy I am, I even left the ®s in.)

Still, I do get it, if I was going to drop over £350 on a pair of Hender Scheme shoey-trainers I’d probably want to know the whys, wheres and whatchamacallits. I just sometimes wonder what impact all this trademarked abstruseness will actually have on my day-to-day?

Let me regurgitate a hypothesis. I’m enjoying a beaker of what purports to be a milkshake from a popular fast food retailer. Unfortunately the server has neglected to firmly affix the plastic lid. So, I tilt, suck and a long pink tongue of flavouring and animal fat worms its way onto my shoes. Will the FIDLOCK® buckle help in any way? What assistance with the RollinGait sole system provide? I’m guessing fuck all. So what then if I step out of an Uber into an oily puddle? Or some staggering crew cut with more lager than mind treads on them with his muddy Reeboks? Presumably my easily adjustable magnetic buckles will just be muddy. The oaf might even have kicked them undone.

The point is, I love these shoes. Style-wise, they’re somewhere between Captain Beefheart on a walking holiday and Captain Picard spraying space bugs in his vineyard. But let’s not pretend the on-board technology will significantly enhance my lifestyle. I’m sure the RollinGait sole is comfortable, but then almost all my footwear is comfortable. And the FIDLOCK® buckle? I tend to consider mastery of shoelaces one of my career highlights.

The upper is tanned cow leather and water-repellant suede, the latter being a genuine benefit. Dunno about you but even in this day and age of sprays, protectors and I’m always terrified of subjecting suede shoes to a potential downpour… Hang on.

I’ve just this second noticed they’re all out of stock… [Intermission] I’ve just scoured the internet for them. I’ve looked everywhere I could think to look. I can’t find them. It would appear I’ve wasted all of our time. Whoopsy.

As you were.

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