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Toffee-brained, toddling narcissists

You should need a licence to wear a backpack on the London transport system. Ostensibly for carrying your junk, a backpack’s primary function these days is to inconvenience others. Backpack wearers on the Tube are, to an individual, toffee-brained, toddling narcissists. Banging into things, forcing themselves through, whirling around, barging, slapping, thumping and thwacking. Fuck you and your idiot bag. How can you not see the space your nylon-Quasimodo is taking up? How can you not be aware that every time you turn to giggle at your girlfriend, you twat three people in the face?

Irresponsible backpackers should be required by law to burn their spine-cases and wear one of these.

This this the E.H. Fishing Jacket in 8.5oz denim by South2 West8. It’s got a lot of storage. It’ll easily fit most of the stuff dumped inside by the average sack-wielding incompetence – phone, smokes, basic sense of decency.

I think I’d covered this jacket before, some years ago. But South2 West8 are still making it and to my mind, even putting aside its anti-backpack application, its a powerful piece in its own right. Featuring a number of details common to the brand’s beloved Tenkara (Japanese fly fishing) garments, there are pockets, holders and loops for anything you can imagine, and some you can’t. If you still use a pen, or indeed an entire Crayola set, there’s room in this thing somewhere. While large chest and hip pockets will pick up the ballast.

Anyone who doesn’t think to remove their backpack on a busy Tube train should be forced to wear one of these. I don’t care if it’s boiling, there’s no air-con and the carriage is full of fat businessmen seeping into their short-sleeved shirts. If you can’t handle a backpack like a grown-up then you need to be treated like an infant. Oh and the giant poacher’s pocket on the back? That’s off limits. Start using that and the solution will become part of the problem.

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