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The Marni lifestyle is broadly free of dropped kebabs and canine feculence

I mean, come on. You’ve got to at least see these sneakers. Over the years this site has occasionally drawn criticism for spotlighting the unwearably absurd. And I have three answers to that: 1) Personally, I think it’s positive to respect a broad range of interesting menswear; even if I’m not recommending the item as a wise purchase. 2) Unusual clothes can be funny. 3) If you don’t like it, feel free to go and make your own site that only covers Barbour and tan brogues.

Which brings us to these unwearably absurd Marni sneakers. Retailer Union suggests that, “the quirky elegance of Marni is a range of possibilities.” A statement that (aside from being grammatically clumsy) does at least make you wonder what possibilities a pair of fur wrapped sneakers might provide? I’m thinking treading in bad stuff. Treading in damp, messy stuff. Stuff that does nothing to compliment the shoe’s crimson and mustard colourway. I’m thinking primarily dog shit. But oil, mud, puddles or any element of edible detritus that didn’t make it into a waste bin would do. Squish. Fuck. Bang go your pristine $950 kicks.

I notice from their lookbooks that the Marni lifestyle is broadly free of dropped kebabs and canine feculence. I also notice that my lifestyle is not. Thus is with a heavy heart that I cannot, in good conscience, recommend the purchase of these ridiculous shoes. I’m sorry to have wasted your time.

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