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The security of the first world

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Are you bogus bro? Do you spend your life hiding anxiously behind a façade of fake confidence? Is your life is a sham, spent regurgitating Buzzfeed trivia, pretending to enjoy the L.I.E.S back catalogue and just nodding habitually when people talk about fancying Daenerys Targaryen? Cool, come this way…

In order to complete your social misrepresentation, you want to get some camo in your world. There’s no better visual shorthand for swag-hype-dudery, while requiring no actual credentials whatsoever. Stick on a grey flannel suit and a camo bucket hat, all of a sudden you’re the financial enabler of a burgeoning South London grafitti collective. Stick your sandwich box in a camo rucksack and you’re the Upload Manager at Datpiff. Of course you’re not. You’re just a limp weenis with a bit of urban luggage. But, like, who’s to know bruh?

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This Mr. Bathing Ape blaze has just gone on sale over at End, it’s in their classic 1st Camo pattern and will rob you no more or less than 389 pieces of gilt. Shut the fuck up yo. It’s down from six and a half. Whadyawant?

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Keeping things jacketed, this worker style is by Japanese label Kapital and will run you 275, but expect it to hit the sales over at Garbstore soon.

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Take it trousery with these Universal Works camo chinos. They’re still asking 120 for these, but the Works just went on sale today – surely these will inch into the bargain zone in a week or three.

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Back at End, Mr Mark Mcnairy’s footware range has enjoyed the cold steel of the pricing scissors. I mere 139 will have you looking arch and arty in these bunker busters.

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Master-Piece bags look the complete shit to me. The pale leather and the metal hardware bounce off that heavyweight nylon. It just looks like money. The serious kind of money that says, I carry Japanese luggage, I enjoy business class travel, and if I want to eat all three M&S walnut whips in one sitting, I just fucking will.  This bag insists upon, a non-sale shaped, 210 pieces of royal tender.

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Couple more bags… Bags are the least risky way to inject a bit of camo into your scene after all. If your idiot bros laugh at you and pathetically call your sexuality into question, just give it to a tramp in a pub toilet. You know, in exchange for a blow job. This one is Sophnet and is on at 155, while the following option…

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… is Sophnet too. It continues with the stripe/camo clash theme and will run you 239. It won’t have escaped your notice that both examples are very much ‘tote’ in style. Which is a posh way of saying shopping bag. I’m kind of a bit ‘urrghhhhh?’ on the whole tote thing. I am an extremely masculine man. And I wonder if the slightly fanciful stylings of these pieces might be at odds with my brawney, intimidating physique. Having said that, they do look big enough to carry my dildos and tubes of glitter.

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Finally, I’ll toss in another Mc-attack from McNairy. Would I wear this? You know what, probably not walking around Peckham Rye, but I would on holiday, somewhere, far away. I tend to think clothes should be pretty serious most of the time, but, I just can’t help liking the daftidity of this. 90 dollar dollar bills from over at McNairy’s crib will deck you out good and stupid.

So, sold on the idea of bluffing some streetness with a dash of camo? Just remember, if anyone calls you out on your lack of dope – the best member of Public Enemy was Proffessor Griff, and you always dance if Cotton Eye Joe comes on. Killin’ it bruh!

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