If there are two words that are nauseating enough on their own, but when combined create a truly universal vulgarity, it’s ‘sports’ and ‘sandal’.

I think, dudes that wear sports sandals sockless, are amongst the most supercilious and conceited beings in existence. Marching around with their terrifying feet slapping down like hairy value hams. And then lounging about in shorts, toes twitching, brazenly displaying themselves like a diseased deli counter. The fucking audacity of it. Happily turning people’s stomachs with their foul footedness – it’s behaviour on par with scoffing a burger on the tube, or fingering a family pet.

I despise sports sandals. Except, strangely, these.

This is some kind of Space 1999 footwear for intergalactic priests. They’re basically The Antiques Roadshow getting busy with Boba Fett. In many respects they’re completely objectionable, but I’m sort of feeling them.

I believe they’re called 2WAY Sandals by RFW and Oshman’s, and GO OUT.  You can find them here for around 96 English quiddery plus tax, plus postage. I like the robust coming together of different eras, represented by the two-tone nubuck and the vibrant orange nylon.

If you choose to walk this road, or explore any modern sandals, just remember, they look the bomb with socks. Without socks, in public, around innocent women and children? You’ll look like what you are, a male grotesque, waddling around, repeatedly spanking the floor with your whiskered, gibbon hands, laced into thonged shoes. You’ll look like a fucking beast.  A beast that eats with its feet. Go on, back to your cave. Run, you disgusting, bare footed bastard.