According to legendary London clothing retailer Browns, this is an ‘ergonomic sweater’. Meaning that (with a nod to the Oxford Dictionary) ‘it’s designed for efficiency and comfort in the working environment’.

Now. I appreciate the need for a ‘sales narrative’ as much as the next marketeer. But in this instance it doesn’t take much to unravel the whole ‘ergonomic sweater’ concept. After all, can you recall a situation where you’ve felt a sweater impeded your efficiency? Or provided anything other that comfort?

Apparently though I’ve got it wrong: this knit is really, really ergonomic. Like stupidly ergonomic. It must be, Browns are confident enough to say:

“Anyone who likes the way you move hasn’t seen anything yet.”

No one’s ever told me they like the way I move. I mean, after a few sleeves I can be a bit too eager to demonstrate my bodywave. But even then I’m lucky to get a polite giggle. (Which I’d like to point out is not the correct response to a bodywave crafted in front of the mirror over many, many years.)

Point is, getting someone to congratulate me on how I move has never been a major concern of mine. Maybe the simple act of buying and wearing this sweater will immediately cross it off my didn’t-know-I-needed-to-do-list.

This is Byborre by the way. Featuring (and again I’m gonna quote Browns because I’m feeling lazy) “a functional patchwork design that uses different fabric weights for optimal comfort and mobility.”

There you go, “different fabric weights for optimal…mobility.” If I’m understanding this correctly it means something like, the fabric under your arm is fractionally lighter, so you can lift your arm fractionally easier. Christ, has it really come to this?

Putting all that technological voodoo to one side, it’s a cool looking knit. There’ll be no raised eyebrows from the Taste Police —  a white, pale grey and oatmeal mix will offend precisely no one. Although I do sometimes think that the Byborre team have been watching old 80s sci-fi TV for inspiration. Specifically episodes of Buck Rogers or Battlestar Galactica that include the playing of some ridiculous futuristic sport.

I’m going out on a limb, but if you haven’t seen Buck Rogers in the 25th Century S01 E19 (Olympiad) check it out immediately. It’s exactly how the 2492 Olympics will be. Laser-gloved boxing, zero-gravity high jump and space tobogganing, all happening in a single sound stage. Everyone will be wearing Byborre. And the 380 pounds it will cost you to buy this sweater today, won’t even get you a replicated hotdog.