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Why are men’s shorts so horrifically tight?

Based on the evidence of my own eyes, I think I know why most men’s shorts are slim. It’s because most men seem to like them. Admittedly, there are fewer examples on the street now the rain has arrived, but give it one day of moderate sun and the pubs of the capital are immediately surrounded by geezers in slender, thigh-hugging shorts. When it’s warm they’re everywhere you turn; another plastic-pinted phalanx of pointy loafers, short-sleeved shirts and gonad-crushing dress-shorts. With one regulation omission, socks – presumably by the order of the fucking Peaky Blinders, eh geez?

I’m belatedly heading to warmer climes and have to consider the shorter trouser. Unfortunately this area of my wardrobe is understocked to the tune of one cut-off pair of EG Workaday trousers – and I only scissored them because I’d ruined them with Dulux. No, I’m not a friend to the short. I’m like an Edwardian Duchess, I prefer to keep my modesty (and pallid knees) covered. Nevertheless, I’m off somewhere hot, I need some shorts and I refuse to wear slim ones. What do I do?

What I do is get the shorts pictured here. They’re by Sasquatchfabrix, and yes I know I wrote about this brand yesterday, but, honestly, it’s pure coincidence. You see, these shorts were delivered to my flat this morning. I’ve just tried them on and they are by some measure the best shorts I’ve ever owned. And I’ve only owned them for 45 minutes.

I was going to visit Clutch Cafe as they do baggy shorts but evidently they’ve sold out – the perils of a late summer holiday I guess. Then I thought about going on a search for some earthy old army cargos down at The Vintage Showroom in Covent Garden, or failing that Shoreditch’s Brick Lane. But my heart wasn’t really in it. Then I saw these. The perfect blend of army Gurkha shorts and progressive Japanese design. I grabbed them over at Sevenstore, a relatively new shop (the IRL outpost has only been open a few months) with a strong brand roster. They’re were (and still are) on sale too, there’s an extra 15% off with a code. Next day delivery, packaged up nice, what’s not to like.

I can report these shorts are crunchy (that’ll be the technical Nylon fabric) feature robust snap buttons, an elasticated waist and drawcords. Best of all, they’re massive. Very wide, airy and comfortable. Suffice to say, you’re not going to drop into a deckchair and accidentally circumcise yourself. Which, when it comes to shorts, is pretty much a fundamental. That and never wearing them with fucking pointy loafers.

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