Wearing this T-shirt, I’d go on holiday, hang around the swimming pool, sip a pint of wine,  look passersby squarely in the eye and loudly say, “you’re not even part of the same lifestyle as me.” And you know what, I’d be right to do that.

This T-shirt isn’t a T-shirt. Quantum physicists are struggling to work this thing out.  Apparently it breaks the Standard Model – it’s got too many quarks and hardly any leptons. No wonder it’s 235 quid.

Japanese brand Kolor really do go to town fabric-wise and here, we’re fucking with all sorts of navy premium cotton, a grey wool and mohair-blend and teal grosgrain. That’s a lot of business.

According to the lyricists over at Mr Porter you can, “personalise the fit.” Which if you cast your vision to the drawstring hem, basically means you can tighten it, or loosen it. It’s a detail that, as advertised, will really let you express the close-fitting or less-close-fitting elements of your personality. Which really is the only way I know how to express myself.

No idea why the guy in the picture isn’t standing by a pool insulting people. He’s just hanging around an empty white room. What a waste of a T-shirt that isn’t a T-shirt.