Am I a perma-tanned, eurotramp cavalier? Am I currently aboard my yacht arranging for a bus load of Columbian orphans to swallow cocaine pellets via my satellite phone? Am I, or have I at any point been, a barmaid in the Rovers Return? Sadly, it’s a no to all of the above. Which leads me to the inevitable conclusion that my taste has taken a fucking swerve. Because I really like these loafers.

These things have got a muted, green camo going on and some power-contrast with the tan tassel and trim.

And check the rubber sole. It’s all sorts of louche. I’m seriously feeling like I need to get on the end of these. I’ve got a weakness for loafers and these would bomb with cuffed chinos and a popover. Thing is, I’ve got it in my head that the kind of bro that should be rocking these, would be comfortable carrying a handbag. They’re dangerously on the ‘trying too hard’ line. But, you know, sometimes lines have to be crossed. I mean, not all the time, I’m not advocating genocide. I just mean, oh fuck me, it’s just a pair of loafers…

They’re by Axel Arigato, which is a new brand to me. And they come in at a totally reasonable 165 Europeans – which for the once-proud English is 130 pounds and 50 new UK pences. For the pattern averse, they also come in navy…

And then there’s these…

Too far? Far be it for me to dissuade a brother from sartorial exploration. But remember, you fuck with these and you’re heading for a 90’s Stallone movie bad guy look. Baby, I’m not saying don’t try it. Just remember to accessorise properly – a clown-sized silk suit, a crocodile on a chain, and always laugh demonically at your own idiotic puns.