I think at least three patterns per shirt should be mandatory. I mean, one pattern… you’re the kind of guy who waits for his receipt at the ATM and thinks three pints on a ‘school night’ is bonk-bonk-crazy-times. Two patterns… well okay, you’ve bought a Folk or YMC shirt and you like to tell peeps that the front is straight-up cotton, but the sleeves are chambray. Hey breh, you’re all creative or some shit. Good try. But three patterns… that’s some out of control juxtaposing right there. That foolishness should come with a permit. You could take someone’s eye out with that thing. It’s basically a wearable dogfight.

And it doesn’t end there. These shirts by Rough And Tumble come in all flavours of mash-up. Check these bangers…

I want most of these shirts more than I want superpowers. Although, I would suggest just by wearing one of these cotton mutants, a bro would rise a  couple of notches up the Marvel super-human rankings. Would it provide the power to illicit casual glances from steezed up wang-pieces in east London? Probably. And the power to make girls quickly right you off as a penniless children’s entertainer? Definitely.

Worry not. You’ll never own one. The only place I’ve found them is Nepenthes in NYC. And they don’t ship to the Englands. So you can either get a mate in the States to send it to you, take a holiday to New York specifically to buy one, or just become happy with the sartorially impotent life that stretches before you, one filled with rails of inadequately patterned shirting. Just so you know, Virgin are going from Heathrow to JFK for £434.