Check this full power leopard print. Full coverage, no subtlety, no muting to make the pattern more palatable. Monitaly have gone all out to capture the natural beauty of the leopard – in 100% polyester fleece. Some will fear the boldness of course. But come on grandad, leopard print isn’t about Debbie Harry any more. It’s about Nepenthes and Needles and confident print clashing and cool old Japanese blokes in slip on shoes and flared jogging bottoms. Magazines like Popeye and The New Order are full of those dudes. I must insist on becoming one of those dudes. Irrespective of the cost to my finances or my dignity.

It is via such flimsy reasoning I conclude that this leopard polyester fleece is essential. The only thing compromising the all-over leopard is a slice of velvet tape running down the sleeves, and I can live with that. You’ve got a pair of hand-warmer pockets on the side seams, elasticated cuffs and a mock neck collar. Drawcords at the neck and hem mean you can lock yourself within the belly of the beast – for those with a knowledge of crucial televisual moments of the 1980s, this is as close as you will ever get to actually being Manimal.

This style is also offered in another pair of colour-ways Marsh Camo (which looks like the inside of a compost bin) and Finnish Woods. I do like Finnish Woods. Most woodland camos tend to focus on leaves. Here though, they’re actual trees, like full trunks and branches and everything. I wonder how effective Finnish Woods would be as a camouflage, I mean, wouldn’t there be big, proper sized trees and then you, just wearing a picture of obviously smaller trees?

Anyway, as I say, the leopard is the one. Unashamedly in-your-face, dragging with it a load of dodgy 80s cultural baggage, like a crate of Asti Spumante on a skateboard. But, crucially, it’s all seen through the lens of artisanal Japanese craftspeople, and then imported by me and then worn, vaguely self-consciously, around the streets of south east London. It’s difficult to imagine a circumstance where that wouldn’t be the coolest thing ever.